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Flowers, dried out, from our wedding

“[Quantum entanglement is a...] theory that holds that photons come in pairs that are separated by space and time but always in instantaneous, inexplicable communication. Einstein calls it the “spooky action at a distance.” But, you know, I find the notion fairly romantic… Well, we affect each other, even when we don’t mean to–even when we don’t want to. We’re connected, you see, even when we try to be unaffected”

I heard this quote today while I watching my preschooler play in our very small living room, trying to look up recipes for dinner AND get some freelance work done – with the TV on in the background. For those who know me, it’ll come to no surprise that I am, in fact, a bit of a wannabe science nerd and LOVE watching shows about the universe, physics and anything science in general. When I heard this quote it kind of blew me away. Its true, we really are like photons – each of us coming as part of a pair (whether you subscribe to the soul mates theory or are talking about marriage in general) and we affect each other through our actions and non actions without really realizing it.

I got married over 8 years ago and despite all the advice we had been given over those years, nothing had really prepared us for the trial our marriage would go through once we had a child. I don’t think anything can really prepare you for that. There is so much that goes into that sort of a change – in my case it was not only my physical body but also my sense of self. With my last pregnancy I went from working full time right up until the week I had my daughter to suddenly being a SAHM drowning in diapers, spitup and PPD.

We didn’t know any better and didn’t realize what it was specifically that I was going through until it was almost too late and it almost cost us quite dearly. But we hung on to what was most important to both of us: that we loved and still love each other and that this was worth fighting for.

Our wedding cake toppers

Hindsight is 20/20 as they say and we realized that we had essentially gone from enjoying each others’ company to just putting up with each other – room mates that happened to have a child together. I’m sure any couple that has had a newborn on their hands and no family support in the area knows what i’m talking about. Its tough…  But we made it through.

… and I’m pregnant again. 7 weeks left, knowing that most likely this little one will probably show up a week early just like her older sister did. So really that leaves us 6 weeks in reality. This time, the prelabor stress is through the roof for us. We have zero insurance on me right now, on a prenatal package with the hospital, trying to sign up for the ACA insurance plans and still waiting to hear back how many gajillions that’ll cost us, Lobster’s job is ending February and so is our lease on this place.

To say that pretty much all major aspects of our life are in flux right now is putting it mildly and its stressful. Add in another baby along with an over active preschooler – I worry.

I worry about the days to come ahead. The days where we are both sleep deprived, worried about where the next paycheck will come from, stressed that we have two little lives depending on us for everything rather than just the one that we JUST got used to. I worry that we’ll fall back on old habits and turn on each other rather than grow stronger together.

Looking back at old pictures of us together, we seem so very young. So very very naive as to what was ahead of us in our future together:

our 3 year anniversary – 2007

Perhaps its the weariness in me but I always see such hope in our eyes when I look back at those pictures. Like we knew we could take on anything and do just fine as long as we were together.

I look at us now and its so very different. I just look straight up haggard and worn out/down, he seems tired and overworked. Is this how its supposed to be? Or are we just doing it wrong??? I don’t really know.

Fall 2013

This post started out by talking about Spooky action and how it reminded me of relationships – marriages especially. Whether we like it or not we affect the ones around us, especially those that we love and are married to. Our actions and our inactions all have a result and a consequence on the other person – good or bad. I’m kind of hoping that this time, we know better. We’re aware and we know the signs to watch for next time and that’ll give us the edge to get ahead of the game this time. Right?

And lets face it… if i’m going to get some spooky action going – I’d rather it was the awesome knock off your socks “i can’t believe i’m married to this person” kind rather than the kind that makes you just roll your eyes.

Ain’t nobody got time for that ;)

 

 

 

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